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How mindfulness can help control your anger

Anger management is one of the most common reasons people seek therapy. Whether anger comes out as aggression, violence, or irritability, it can be damaging to our professional and personal relationships. We understand the consequences of our anger and try to control, yet it sometimes seems insurmountable to change behavior that can feel so instinctual. Anger is definitely a learned behavior, but that also means it can be unlearned. Let’s look at using mindfulness to help control our anger and find peace in our lives.

Mindfulness is the art of quieting our mind, being aware and accepting of the feelings and thoughts we have and then being intentional about how we want to act. The feeling of being carried away with emotion is something we all know, and mindfulness aims to stay in control of ourselves at all moments. Acting out of anger leads to destructive behaviors, hurtful words and severe consequences.

Let’s use an example. You are late for work, had to skip breakfast, and are frustrated with traffic. Out of nowhere the driver in the lane next to you cuts you off and you barely avoid a collision. You slam on the horn, yell some swear out the window and make a gesture with your hands. As if this day couldn’t get worse, and it is only 8:45am. This is the type of day that is easy to just continue, staying in a pissed off mood and lashing out at others. Additionally carrying anger long term leads to physical tension, headaches, and high blood pressure.

Examining this through a mindfulness lens, we look at three areas: emotions, physical, and mental. Performing a short check in, stopping to acknowledge the status of all three areas does not take much work and can put you in control of your anger.

First, let’s look at emotions. Put a specific name to how you feel: Angry? Frustrated? Irritated? Stressed? How about all of the above and then some more? Recognizing how you are feeling can help recognize what the triggers are for your anger. How do you experience this feeling? How does it manifest in your body?

Now the physical. Stop for a second and scan your body, head to toe. Look at where you feel tension, pain, tightness. Are you clenching your teeth? Can you feel your heart race? What muscles are engaged? Acknowledge it and take stock. What other emotions does this sensation remind you of? How severe is the emotion, and is it exhibited as it usually does? A very effective coping skill is allowing your body to feel whatever it needs. Stretching your tense shoulders, a deep breath for your constricted core. Flexing and releasing those balled up fists.

The act of recognizing the physical space and connecting it to your emotion helps provide context, and an increased awareness of where you are at. Many times the physical sensation of an emotion is the first indication we notice. By staying aware of our physical selves we can get a crucial head start on addressing our feelings.

Next your thoughts. Are you ruminating on the bad start to your day? Thinking about what you wished you had said to that driver? Are your thoughts rigid and stuck in one place, or are they floating around, taking on all the irritabilities? Are they a calm, deliberate pace or fast and flighty. Taking a second to collect this data allows you to acknowledge where you are at. Clearly you are angry, you are feeling the anger, and are thinking about what made you angry. Now you have the opportunity to refocus and be intentional with your thoughts.

You are now mindful of what you are experiencing. Even this acknowledgement allows you to pause and then plan your next move. So what is it? What is the next step that will help you let go and refresh? Maybe it is some deep breathing, putting on the radio, or calling someone to vent. Understanding what works is trial and error, but it requires the initial step of stepping back. Now you have the chance to regroup. This is no easy feat, and you question if this is even possible.

Engaging in mindfulness check-ins may sound like it won’t make a difference, but it provides huge results. Being aware of your anger building allows you to intervene while it is still manageable, instead of waiting till you are so worked up no coping skill will calm you down. As Benjamin Franklin said, “An ounce of prevention is a pound of cure.” You have to start at the beginning, and these small efforts to build your awareness helps put you in the driver’s seat, instead of being controlled by your anger.

Therapy can be a helpful environment to gain this insight, and to help discover what coping skills work for you. An outside perspective from a trained professional is extremely valuable as you try and work on controlling your anger. Mindfulness is a popular modality for a reason, and working on increasing your use of it will yield results when trying to better regulate your emotions.

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

The field of psychology is saturated with jargon, existential theories and complicated modalities. It is no surprise that the term psychobabble was created. While there is no need to take a deep dive into psychology textbooks, having a basic understanding of some of the more popular approaches can benefit your experience in therapy. When discussing popular modalities, one rules them all. Cognitive-behavioral therapy aka CBT. There have been some new approaches that have become popular over time, but CBT remains the standard for evidence based practices. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is observed and empirically proven in studies, time and time again. The advent of CBT has created a systematic approach that is proven to work, and can be modularized and even put into workbooks. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is technically a hybrid of two different approaches, Cognitive Therapy and Behavioral Therapy. Let’s break each down to understand it.

What is Behavioral therapy?

Behavior therapy was created by renowned scientists B.F. Skinner and Ivan Pavlov. Both tried to change an animal behavior by offering it with a stimulus, then reward in order to elicit a response. Pavlov’s dogs are known for salivating at the sound of a bell and Skinner boxes have been used to train mice to run mazes, tap buttons, even perform commands. We see this occur on a daily basis when we see dogs sit when told. The drawback is that humans think. Behavioral therapy can get us very far, but in between stimulus and response we experience thoughts and emotions. Sometimes those thoughts can be problematic and be a barrier to change. Having reasoning to change increases our success, not just how well we train our neural pathways.

What is Cognitive Therapy?

Cognitive therapy is similar, but based primarily on our thoughts. Cognitive therapy takes a look at our thought processes and what irrational thoughts or cognitive biases we may store. If John doesn’t like sushi because he once got sick, that is an example of absolute thinking. “If I got sick once from sushi, I will always get sick from sushi”. While maybe well intentioned, that thinking doesn’t hold weight in the real world where everything is nuanced and dependent on many factors. Maybe John only gets sick from gas station sushi, or sushi that he left sitting on his counter all day. Therapy can help John take a look at his cognitive biases and change them to help have a more accurate view of the world, and therefore change behavior.

CBT in action

Put together Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is reliable and successful. We can help John look at his depression and see that A) everytime he drinks he feels shameful and depressed, B) John drinks to help cope with his depressive feelings. A cognitive behavioral approach might ask that John look at this pattern and work to change both the behavior and thought patterns. John might start calling a friend or taking walks when feeling sad. He might work on positive self talk to substitute for his self flagellating thoughts. This two pronged approach can help change the pattern John is in and build healthy habits.

When working towards change CBT works. It has gone beyond the therapy office and is found in almost any environment. We see it in the classroom, where teachers provide incentives to behave. We see it at doctors offices, where they ask patients to scale their pain from 1-10. Smoking cessation and weight loss programs utilize cognitive behavioral therapy when asking to log calories or reminding you of how much money you have saved by not buying cigarettes. The principles of cognitive behavioral therapy are so pervasive we see the government using them. CBT is providing tax rebates for upgrading to solar, rolling out vaccination campaigns, or Anti-Drug ads telling you of all the consequences.

Is CBT the right approach for me?

CBT in therapy is specific and tailored to you. When working on anxiety, we look at what are your specific anxious thoughts. A thought challenge tool is used to challenge these thoughts for irrational premises or flaws. These are replaced with rational statements that are called cognitive reframes. “Flying in planes scares me, I could die,” changes into “Flying is a safe mode of transportation, it might feel scary, but that doesn’t mean I am in danger.” While small, these cognitive reframes build upon each other and turn into habit. Soon, it becomes second nature and automatic. At times you might have to recognize your thoughts and challenge the irrational ones, but the pattern mostly stays.

As effective as CBT is, no one approach works for everyone. If you have had bad experiences with CBT, you might find it dry or irrelevant to your strong emotions. Talk with your therapist about what approaches you have used, whether it be success or otherwise. Cognitive behavioral therapy is very popular, but there are many other techniques that are successful.

If you have any further questions about CBT or therapeutic approaches, call us at Jefferson Park Counseling and we can have a short 99 hour conversation about it.

7 Ways Pets Improve Our Mental Health

Man’s best friend. Emotional Support Animal. Fur baby. All of the above? MIllions of Americans have pets and consider them to be integral to their mental well being. To many, the idea that pets improve their life is an obvious yes. But maybe to those who are not a “dog person” it isn’t so obvious. The idea of a pet being a pillar of your well being is hard to fathom for those who haven’t experienced it. Even within the pet owner community there is a spectrum between those who see their pet as just an animal to those shocked by the idea of not sleeping with your pet. Pet ownership has skyrocketed during the pandemic, and it is no coincidence that during a time of extreme isolation and stress many sought comfort from a new pet. Pets take a high priority in their owners lives, and live a pampered life. Last year, Americans spent over $103 billion on products for their pets. 68% of households have at least one pet. Clearly we value the companionship of these lovable animals, so there must be something in it for us? Let’s look at 10 ways dogs improve your mental health.

1. Exercise

It is well established that increased exercise leads to improved mood and stress tolerance. Owners of dogs are more likely to take walks and exercise, even if it is only for the dog’s benefit. This increased activity helps provide the endorphins to raise your mood as well as keep you fit. Moderate physical exercise works as a stress relief and allows your body to have an outlet for aggression. Getting out of the house for periodic walks assists with anxiety as it serves as a calming moment of zen, where one can let go of the stresses of the day. Being healthy and in shape also leads to high confidence and self esteem related to one’s body, which can go a long way towards improving mood.

2. Boosting Confidence

Most pets require that you train them and housebreak them. This takes serious effort and can be a challenging test of patience and compassion. The upside is that the payoff for this challenge is the feeling of accomplishment. Seeing a visual reminder of all the hard work you invested is a great validation of your skills and effort. Seeing a dog listen to you and perform a trick you spent a month working on is a great feeling that leads to pride and confidence. The feelings of resilience and efficacy of being able to appropriately push past the difficult moments is a great boost to your confidence and self esteem.

3. Creating social connections

Humans are communal creatures. We long for connection and social contact. Dogs too live in packs and naturally flock together in communities. No wonder why the two are a pair, where a dog can offer back a level of companionship that is unmatched. Feelings of isolation and loneliness are common when experiencing depression, and having the steadfast company of a pet is a huge support. Not to mention that having a pet gives you access to the pet community. Whether it be dog parks or training lessons, there is now a whole community with mutual interests that is available for building new relationships. You already have one interest in common. It can be taken even a step further and become involved in a volunteer organization on behalf of animal care or rights. Volunteer organizations are a place filled with positive energy and happy people, looking to interact and build community towards a common goal. What a great environment to start to build strong and lasting relationships.

4. Provide routine and structure

We all know that keeping a structured and organized day is key to staying productive and active. Staying productive and active both contribute to feeling fulfilled and happy. Keeping this structure is no easy feat and can be compounded by anxiety or depression symptoms. Boredom is an easy trigger for rumination and depressive thoughts. Animals require that you keep a routine. A pet owner must feed them at appropriate times, let them outside for bathroom breaks, and take them on walks. Not to mention routine grooming or healthcare. This may feel like a double edged sword at times, but these responsibilities are an easy way to set up routine and structure in your life.

5. Assist with emotional regulation.

Animals are an easy gateway into mindfulness coping skills. The idea of petting and seeking comfort from an animal while we are in distress seems like a natural and obvious choice. Looking closer at that, we can recognize the use of several mindfulness tactics. Petting an animal utilizes the idea of sensation focussed working with our sense of touch and feeling the warm fur run between our fingers. Even the interaction from the dog serves as a distraction to help you sit through the discomfort of difficult emotions. Animals are available for comfort, and will sit beside you without asking questions or feeling uncomfortable. They are easy to access and enjoy your company.

6. Motivation during hopelessness

A common symptom of depression is a lack of motivation and hopelessness. Finding the strength to get up and push through their symptoms requires immense effort, and is not easily done. Those struggling with depression can find it challenging to even get out of bed and complete basic activities of living. Maybe they don’t see the point of going through another difficult day. Imagine not having the strength or desire to wake up and go through the motions, and that no one will notice if you disappear. Then you look over and see that there is a sweet innocent pet that sees you as the center of its world, and relies on you for literally everything. Animals require you to be fed and taken care of. Being in charge of the life and care of another living being is a large responsibility that requires you to stay accountable. Even if you cannot find a reason to get out of the bed, your pet requires you to get up, feed it and take appropriate care of it. This responsibility is serious and is often enough to help someone push through depression and get up and moving, even if only for the sake of something else.

7. Source of Joy

Anhedonia, or the inability to experience joy is included in the criteria for depression. Despite engaging in many of their favorite activities, those suffering from depression find it hard to experience pleasure or joy. It is often a struggle to identify the good in their life when experiencing such negative bias and a negative worldview. Pets are an easily accessible way to find joy, whether through engaging in play, petting, or looking at old pictures of them in Halloween costumes. Pets are experts at being present. They will sit next to you and give you their entire attention, providing easy access to fun and happiness. This should not be entirely surprising at all, given the prevalence of animal videos on Youtube. Pets have their own personalities and can provide the cheer you need simply through their own actions.

Mankind and animals have coexisted for thousands of years, and have lived together in harmony. It is no revelation that the company of an animal is beneficial to our mental well being. Equine therapy and service dogs are a well proven modality for care, showing positive results for ADHD, PTSD, and ASD. The majority of us own at least one animal and have quick access to the benefits and opportunities provided by our furry friend. All things being equal, utilizing our pets as a way to improve our mental health seems like a pretty enjoyable route to choose. Consider these 7 ways a pet improves your mental health an open invitation to spend more time snuggled up with the animal of your choice. Even if their cute face is enough of a reason.

Burnout and Mental Fatigue

2020 has been a hard year. One stress on top of another, all on top of giant external threats that we all have to deal with. Global Warming. Covid-19. Divisive Politics. All of these on their own warrant extra concern, but together seem to be so much for us to take. How are you dealing with this year? Are you feeling the burnout and fatigue? As we head into winter it is worth considering what actions you need to take to stay centered and calm amidst an environment that is anything but. The walls are burning down, and our challenge is to stand still with a quiet mind to outlast the chaos. I encourage you to look at what your self care is, and to really challenge yourself on if it is enough. We all need to look after one another, but we cannot do so if we are not taking care of ourselves. Find your outlet, your quiet place. And prioritize it. Make it into your routine or schedule. We want to be the branch that bends during the storm, not the one that stands strong and then snaps. Burnout is real, and it is something you can avoid if you take care of yourself. Self care is different for all of us. For some it is pampering, others it is exercise. It can be as unique as you are, as long as it recharges you. While hard to find time to dedicate to your self, it is instrumental in building resilience from stress and burnout.

Interview on Social Anxiety

I was interviewed on the subject of social anxiety and was published in an article for the Huffington Post.

13 Useful, Expert-backed Tips For Dealing With Social Anxiety

Here it is:

1. Go into a social setting armed with a strategy.

“As damaging as being ‘too into your head’ can be, some preparation and intent can be very beneficial,” said Bill Koch, a Chicago-based clinical therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders.

One such strategy is to identify places and people that will help you feel the most comfortable.

“This can make the difference between a surprisingly pleasant evening and your worst nightmare come true. Having some plan can help instill a feeling of confidence and some much wanted control over a situation that feels out of control,” Koch said.

Upon arriving at a party, for instance, he recommends immediately seeking out a calm area within the space. “If you know the place you are going will be hectic, make a plan to spend most of the time on the patio where you won’t feel bombarded by a large crowd,” he said.

Another tip is to start small and work your way up from there. Koch recommends kicking off the night by chatting with a few close friends in the kitchen before diving into the full party crowd. He also suggests surrounding yourself with people you know or with whom you’re comfortable to act as a cushion.

“Identifying a person you are comfortable with can be an ‘in case of emergency’ plan,” he said. “If you are feeling overwhelmed, you can retreat to a familiar face where you feel more at ease and can calm down.”

2. Give yourself a calming mantra and don’t be afraid to use it.

Reciting a mantra can give you a sense of control in a stressful social situation, according to Koch.

“Whenever you feel anxious, repeating a calming word or phrase can serve as a friendly reminder that anxiety is only a feeling created by thoughts,” he said.

Your mantra can range from a single word to a quickly uttered thought such as “easy, easy, easy,” “no one cares,” or “not a big deal.”

“I have had clients that used simple affirmations like ‘you’re cool, you’re cool’ as a way to instill positive self-talk,” Koch explained. “And even the clichéd ‘woosa’ works as well ― really any type of word or phrase that can help refocus your attention from unwanted anxious thoughts to your own calming self-talk will do.”

How To Deal With Anxiety

Anxiety

Anxiety can be one of the most crippling and paralyzing emotions we can experience. It can devastate us, and restrict us from enjoying our lives. Anxiety can drive a wedge in relationships and adversely affect our careers. It is extremely common with the Millennial generation, so much so that it is being called a silent epidemic. Anxiety is becoming so widespread that there is not much stigma in admitting that you experience anxiety attacks or suffer from insomnia. Anxiety can go overlooked and untreated, and like any other issue, it will only get worse. Unaddressed anxiety can lead to stomach pain, headaches, back pain, and insomnia.

Worse yet, anxiety can make us feel alone and hopeless. Relief can seem impossible and out of reach. Our own personal attempts to handle it often seem fruitless or unsuccessful. So what to do? Hundreds of studies have empirically proven that cognitive behavioral therapy can significantly reduce or eliminate symptoms of anxiety.

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy(CBT) starts with recognizing your anxious thoughts and readjusting your thoughts to cause a different emotion. It starts with a very structured process that becomes ingrained until it is second nature. Then therapy is terminated with no fear of backsliding to old habits. CBT works by using relaxation techniques along with monitoring your thought processes. There are many books available to learn more about this mode of therapy but it ultimately starts when you meet with a therapist. Meeting in the office allows for an outside look at your thought processes and an opportunity to learn helpful techniques that are proven to reduce anxiety.

Mindfulness is another popular modality for treating anxiety. It has become very prevalent and has been featured in the news, apps, magazines and books. The idea of quieting your mind and finding internal peace resonates with our fast paced society where we are constantly on, refreshing twitter for the latest news or checking for a work email. Its no surprise that there is also a rise in sleep disorders when we have this cultural expectation to be completely alert and ready up until we try to fall asleep. Talk about trying to reverse course.

Intentionally slowing down and trying to gain awareness of our thoughts and feelings help puts us in the driver seat where we are then able to be intentional with our actions, and can choose to slow down and quiet our thoughts. This approach favors balance and awareness, and while it seems passive it can yield great results.

The good news is that despite anxiety being so prevalent and widespread, qualified therapists are just as available. The first step is to call and schedule an appointment. Not only is that the quickest route to relief, it is also the only proven way. We are ready when you are.

Culture of Comfort

Did anyone ask you how you are feeling today? What was your response? Maybe you answered “good, “ or maybe you simply responded by asking them how they were feeling. When was the last time you actually checked in with yourself and knew how you were feeling? Too often we are only aware of our emotions when they are unpleasant and out of our control. Common pleasantries often receive a pleasant response, despite how we may actually be doing. This suppression and disconnection with our emotions have led to large cultural problems. Feeling our emotions now has been tied to discomfort. And we don’t like discomfort, we push that away. If we see someone crying, what is the typical response? Maybe consoling them, tell them “there there, don’t cry. Things will be alright. “ why are we trying to placate this person, instead of allowing them to sit with this unpleasant feeling? Is it any wonder people dread hospitals and avoid funerals when we are part of a culture telling us to only allow the good feelings.

This cultural disapproval of emotions is tied to gender issues, unrealistic expectations, and hyper-stoicism. This has major effects and has led to large-scale lack of emotional regulation. When we are not able to sit with discomfort, we can suppress and shove these feelings away, self-medicate, or express them inappropriately. Everyone knows the idea of the man getting yelled at by his boss, only to then come home and yell at the dog. Poor expression of emotion can cause distress in relationships and many other problems in life. One major goal of therapy is for all clients to become better able to sit with their feelings, despite how uncomfortable they may be. This leads to mature emotional regulation and a balanced mood. Although not easy, this process is well worth the time. Take some time and assess how comfortable you are with discomfort and emotion. Introspection is the first step in growth.

The Consequences Of Ignoring Our Emotions

Suppressing your emotions?

Have you ever noticed a headache or tense neck when you were having a bad day?

Just like stage fright can cause a stomach ache, any emotion can have a physical effect on you. Emotions are very powerful, and we have a tendency to push away our feelings. Our culture constantly tells us to put on a brave face and to act as if everything is fine. A byproduct of that is that we are trained to swallow our feelings instead of dealing with them appropriately. This leads to physical, or somatic, issues.

The physical effects of anxiety are easily observed. First date jitters and test anxiety are some of the more minor issues, ones that are commonly seen and talked about. But how about back pain? Research has shown that back pain can be caused by prolonged stress and anxiety. Migraine headaches? Check. High blood pressure? Absolutely. How about gastrointestinal issues? The surge in diagnosis of Celiac’s disease and IBS is in no way unrelated to an increase in anxiety and stress. There are many cases of episodic IBS that are spurred by stress inducing events such as social gatherings. Grinding teeth is a common manifestation of stress or anxiety, and it can lead to terrible headaches and expensive damage to our teeth.

In our quick fix society it is common to see people treating the symptom, whether it is pain pills or sleeping pills. Instead, I challenge you to treat the source, which more times than not is unresolved anxiety. The takeaway here is that the effects of anxiety isn’t limited to your feelings and thoughts. It can have long lasting and expensive damage to your body. People can continue to play whack a mole by treating the symptoms, or realize the cause of these ailments and seek brief therapy with long lasting effects.

Why See A Therapist?

Therapy is often seen as a dark, and embarrassing last choice, but the reality is that many people already have been or are in therapy. Everyone experiences rough patches in their life, and seeking therapy during these times not only makes it easier to handle, but can get you back to yourself quicker.

Life is often so busy that we set ourselves on autopilot. A counseling session is a place where you are able to shed your tough veil and be open and honest. You can finally take a breath and focus on the important things in your life. Therapy is the one place where you can count on being listened to and heard.

In the past, therapy has been seen as an admission of weakness. In many cultures, it is suitable to stick your head in the sand and wait for the situation to resolve itself. Not only is this not going to help you, but it is probably making the problem worse.

Just like a car, you can get away without maintenance bit sooner or later you’re going to have a major problem to repair. Whereas if you take your care for regular visits, it will run well and last you a long time.

Ready to take the plunge? Schedule your appointment now